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The “Life Sucks” Anti-Breeding Argument

23 Jul

What's in the box, Al?

1995’s heartwarming blockbuster Se7en, in which a good Christian man attempts to educate a brash young detective in the consequences of sin, features a moving scene in which a young Gwyneth Paltrow reveals that she is pregnant, and that she is scared to bring a baby into the bleak, violent world depicted in the film.

This is a concern many new parents have: do we have the right to introduce a living being into the world, knowing that we’ll be subjecting the child to a lifetime of misery and despair?

Really? This is a concern?

There are a lot of arguments against having kids: they’re boring, they make you boring; they make you broke; they stress you out; they ruin your marriage; they ruin your house; they ruin your sex life; they ruin your sleep cycle; they smell like crap; they are messy; they are loud; they are annoying; they can’t talk; they can’t walk; they are fragile; they have soft heads; they like stupid movies; they can’t do anything by themselves; and on and on and on.

But even if I accept the premise that the universe is fucked and the human experience is fraught with pain and suffering, so what? If that’s true, I want more people around!

You’ve heard the saying “misery loves company,” right? Damn straight it does. Sharing the pain of living, or better yet, showering schadenfreude on someone new, is one of the benefits of procreation!

Right out of the gate I’ll be dominating my kid. Even the most homeless homeless man on the street has more things going for him than a newborn baby, except, of course, for a promising future. But that hardly matters at the start. Every new kid that’s born immediately goes to the back of the line: last place in life. Sure, their potential is unknown and unlimited – at first – but in terms of every other measurable stat, they are dead last. And that’s alright with me. I like winning.

On top of that, there is the ever-increasing chance that a war of some kind will break out one of these days, whether it’s against religious fanatics, right wing militants, left wing anarchists, muslim jihadists, scientologists, Muslims, Glenn Beck, steroid-crazed athletes, gay vampires or old-fashioned zombies, and when it does, it’s going to be helpful to have some reinforcements on your side. It’s every family for themselves, and a freshly indoctrinated child is perfect cannon fodder!

So spare me the whole “I can’t bring a child into this world” argument. Bringing a child into this world might be the only chance you have to survive it!

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