Insane or Infant?

12 Oct

Last week, I educated all of you on how to go about taking care of a newborn. I haven’t gotten the Baby Straight Jacket on the market yet, but I can already tell some of you are skeptical. A straight jacket for babies? Surely I must be joking!

I assure you I am deadly serious. Ask yourself this question: are babies all that different from psychopaths?

Keep reading for the shocking answer!

If I were to hand you the following list and ask you what it describes, what would you say?

  • Eats slop
  • Can’t be around sharp objects
  • Stares wide-eyed and confused when confronted
  • Constantly throws pointless, frenzied tantrums
  • Attaches self to closest breast, refuses to let go
  • Sleeps in padded chamber
  • Must be forcefully held down to be cleaned
  • Temperature must be taken via anus
  • Needs constant supervision
  • Hides razorblade in mouth
  • Watches Yo Gabba Gabba
  • Frequently shits self

So: does that list describe a baby or a committed lunatic?

Guess what? You’re wrong!

Because the correct answer is BOTH! The only difference between a lunatic and a newborn is age, and that’s merely because no one dares diagnose a baby as insane. No one but ME!

So now the question becomes, why HASN’T someone invented a Baby Straight Jacket? A few rings around the “swaddle” technique I described next week and you’re already either treating your baby like a psycho or on your way to creating one. Either way, the Baby Straight Jacket will come in handy.

Swaddle WIN!

The only problem with putting a straight jacket on my kid is that he hates being swaddled so much, he’s constantly busting out of the thing like Bruce Banner. Even if I were I to put my patented Baby Straight Jacket on him, I’m sure he’d pull a Martin Riggs and dislocate his shoulder just to escape. The kid has skills. If he does break free, you better believe I won’t be popping that shoulder back in very quickly. No way. Sit with the pain, Junior. SIT WITH IT.

And never defy me again!


One Response to “Insane or Infant?”

  1. Spidee FI December 3, 2010 at 12:34 am #

    I like hehe

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