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Tale of the Tape: Am I Old or Just a New Parent?

10 Feb

Over the past five months my life has changed a lot, for obvious baby-related reasons. Hence this blog.

But over the past few years, my life has changed in other ways that have nothing to do with the ill-advised and soul-deadening decision to have a child.

I’m talking about things that seem to have more to do with the fact that I am rapidly approaching 35 years old than the fact that I am adding yet another mouth with its own carbon footprint to an overpopulated planet on the verge of extinction. Problem is, with my life so wrapped up in making sure my baby lives long enough to contribute to and eventually witness the final days of the planet he will help destory, it isn’t always easy to tell the difference between the changes that are my baby’s fault and the changes that are my rapidly deteriorating body’s fault. So I decided to try and figure out who to blame: My son or your God.

That’s right: It’s a Tale of the Tape!

AM I OLD AS SHIT OR JUST A NEW PARENT?

I Can’t Have More Than 3 Beers Without Falling Asleep
This one is clearly due to my exhaustion. Stupid tiring baby.
WINNER: I’M A PARENT

I Can’t Have More Than 4 Beers Without Wanting to Kill Myself the Next Day
This one is partially because my tolerance has dwindled. In the five months since gaining a son, my drunkenness quotient has been cut down by 75% or more, so my ability to drink beer for long amounts of time while maintaining both my alertness and my astounding power to attract women has suffered greatly. But should four beers over the course of a night cause such a bad hangover the next day? Sure, I’m waking up at 6ish instead of doing the customary sleep-off, (I’ll give you two guesses why) but four beers shouldn’t leave feeling me like I was force-fed broken glass or, at best like I’ve had my face hammer-smashed. But four beers do just that. Pathetic. But, sadly, even before I had a baby in my life I could feel my hangovers worsening. So this is clearly because I’m an old piece of shit.
WINNER: I’M OLD AS SHIT

I Can’t Get Up Past 7AM
As referenced above. If one of your two guesses was “because of the baby!” then you’re the big winner. Because of the stupid, stupid baby that won’t shut the hell up.
WINNER: I’M A PARENT

I Can’t Stay Up Past 11pm
Not sure I blame this on anything more than the fact that I no longer have a TV in my bedroom. I used to watch “The Daily Show” and half of Colbert before turning out the lights, but nowadays I find myself crawling into bed at 10:45, 10:30, 10:15 and immediately going bye-bye. But clearly I’m exhausted after being up early to tend to the baby, and I also have brittle old bones that tire easily. So let’s call this one a push.
WINNER: PUSH


I Barely Go Out Anymore
This is actually not true. We go out a lot, and we bring Baby Chubbles along. Turns out the kid loves a good bar! Nothing puts him to sleep like the belligerent ravings of a crowd of Brooklyn drunks. But we do pull the happy hour routine more – we’re back home a lot earlier, both to put the kid to bed and to get inside before all the Young People Who Have Few Responsibilities show up and fill me with white-hot rage. I think this one leans mostly towards being a curmudgeon.
WINNER: I’M OLD AS SHIT

I Hate Young People Who Have Few Responsibilities
Always have, always will.
WINNER: PUSH

My Bones Are Sore
At nearly 35, my bones are brittle, obviously. But my son is also a fatty. The combination is not good for my arms or my back. I hurt my back during a move a few years back (has anything good ever happened during a move?) and constantly having to lift Baby Chubbles high enough that he gets confused by his new vantage point and FINALLY stops whining is not doing me any favors. Of course, back issues always seem to spring up once you cross the 30 year mark, so this is a tough call. Let’s split the difference.
WINNER: PUSH

I Have To Get Up 5 Times a Night To Urinate
Not sure this can be blamed on the baby or old age. In fact:
WINNER: MY SMALL BLADDER AND/OR PROSTATE ISSUES.
Actually, this is definitely more of an old man thing.
WINNER: I’M OLD AS SHIT

TALLY
I’M A PARENT: 2
PUSH: 3
I’M OLD AS SHIT: 3

And the winner is I’M OLD AS SHIT.
And the loser is….ME!

I just hope my bones hold out long enough – say, about 17 years – so I can show my kid who’s boss with a roundhouse or two. Don’t sass back to me, junior!

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2 Responses to “Tale of the Tape: Am I Old or Just a New Parent?”

  1. RJ February 10, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    Completely disagree with ‘barely going out’ due to being old. You are a parent, which completely eliminates any life. You live in Brooklyn. If you didn’t have a kid there is no way you go straight home every night, married or not.

  2. RJ February 10, 2011 at 1:55 pm #

    AND going out with a baby doesn’t count as going out. If you are with someone aside from yourself you need to be responsible for, it doesn’t count. Flea markets, brunches, other babies b-day parties, a walk thru the park pushing a stroller… none of these count as going out.

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