Motherf@!#er’s Day

6 May

My son was born the day before my anniversary. Barely a month before my wife’s birthday, which itself is side by side with Halloween – which she treats as a 2nd birthday – not all that far from Christmas, which itself is perilously close to Valentine’s Day. It’s a never-ending season of expectation-and-delivery related stress.

My own birthday, which falls just before my son’s in September, no longer offers any sense of excitement or anticipation. It merely serves as the final bell before the plague descends. My one reprieve from the pressure of fulfilling my gift-giving, surprise-throwing, romance-overdoing season – which stretches from September to February – is the warmer time of year, which is blessedly devoid of wife-centric holidays.

Until now, of course. My wife recently became a mother, and that means Mother’s Day has been added to the list. That’s like 6 major holidays I need to worry about, ON TOP OF the whole “I love it when you surprise me!” request-slash-demand. It never ends.

There are plenty of woman-based holidays and just about zero man-based holidays (unless you count the whole “we run the world and you do our dishes” thing, which doesn’t apply to me because I DO ALL THE DISHES!). You know it’s true, ladies. And please stop pretending your wedding anniversary is about your husband.

Yeah, I know – men need these pre-determined holidays because otherwise they’d never remember to make their lady feel special. Which may or may not be true. But that doesn’t stop the stress. Nothing stops the stress. Please stop the stress. I mean, can’t you tell I am stressed out enough dealing with being a new dad and being a good husband and being a good employee and now I have to make all sorts of plans and arrange surprises and get you flowers and cook you breakfast in bed and buy you gifts and money doesn’t grow on trees and now I sound like my father and look what you’re turning me into!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course it’s all worthwhile because I love me wife and I love my son and I love my life.


Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!


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