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The Anarchist’s Coloring Book

29 Feb

My son is an anarchist.

It’s not really his fault, since all toddlers are anarchists. It’s just a stage he’s going through. I hope.

Maybe not in the true sense of the word, since they aren’t so much about politics or even abolishing or ignoring rules; they don’t exactly grasp the concept of rules, so it might be a little unfair to label them. But it’s clear they hate rules or boundaries of any kind, even if they can’t articulate why. Regardless, whether my son is technically an anarchist or just behaves like one, the end result is essentially the same: CHAOS.

Living with an anarchist is hard work.

Toddlers love chaos.

My son doesn’t so much play with his toys as he picks them up, one by one, and strews them across the apartment. He throws balls left and right. He takes the plastic hammer belonging to one toy and smashes it against other, non-related toys, including adult toys like our expensive HD TV or laptop. His interaction with the oversize legos we got him amounts to little more than him picking up the bag and emptying the toys all over the floor. And then not touching them for the next three hours. I’ve started calling my home “Operation Mayhem.”

Toddlers love to provoke.

I’ve written before about my son’s tendency to taunt us by ALMOST climbing the stairs and ALMOST pulling out a plug and ALMOST bashing the remote against the TV screen. My son doesn’t much care about plugs, or going upstairs, or pushing the TV over. He doesn’t care about much of anything except Elmo and his lovey. He only wants to see the look on our faces when he provokes us. He doesn’t actually want to push the TV over, he just wants to watch us panic as he puts his hand on the screen. Did I mention he has taken to making gagging/choking sounds while eating, just so he can enjoy our panic? Some babies just want to watch the world burn.

Toddlers are insane.

Maniacal laughter is a common sound in our living room, as the kid tests his limits and explores his abilities and tries to see what happens when he drops cell phones into the toilet. Discipline is a game to him; he responds to our displeasure and scolding by cackling and running away in glee. Such unadulterated apathy would be terrifying if it weren’t so cute!

Unfortunately, THAT’S HIS PLAN.

Good-looking people get away with just about anything they want, give or take a Ted Bundy or two. And since most babies are born cute (not all, sorry Gracie Bell) AND have the benefit of either real or feigned innocence, they are primed, from the start, to dominate society. Unfortunately for them, they also can’t speak, use the toilet or feed themselves. So until scientists engineer a supersmart baby that can leverage its natural cuteness to take over the world, their only resort is anarchy.

And it’s making my life miserable.

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One Response to “The Anarchist’s Coloring Book”

  1. Vega December 28, 2012 at 6:06 am #

    my children are only 2yrs anicnet and 15 weeks anicnet so they dont write a list but when they get older i want them to write a list.i always did for my grandparents (as we always spent xmas with them) and it was brilliant. you can get baby laptops that teach numbers, shapes, colours etc. i got my daughter a keyboard. she got a bear that has a book with nums n letters on and it tlks to her and gets her to spell things. i got her colouring books too as they help with hand-eye co-ordination. i also got her a winnie the pooh book but it has a cd with it that reads the sotry to her.

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