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Fear By Proxy

11 Apr

When I was a kid, my biggest fear was being kidnapped. I mean, who wouldn’t want this little heartthrob cooling up their house?

jean jacket, yearbook, junior high, parenting, toddlers, cool, 80s, 1980s, mike julianelle

As I grew up and that terrifying two-part episode of Diff’rent Strokes faded from my memory, the whole kidnapping fear evaporated. Other anxieties emerged and receded through the years until I became quite fearless… provided I’d had ten beers and you agreed to no punches to the face or groin.

Then I had a kid. And I became fearmore.

Like a lot of people, my wife has been freaking out about the whole North Korea situation lately, but not because she is worried for herself. She’s worried for our son. Which is one of the many negative side effects of having a child. You suddenly become aware of innumerable threats. It’s like smoking really strong weed except instead of getting high and laughing, you just get ultra-paranoid. Twin Peaks, toddlers, parenting, fears, Bob, David Lynch, movies, TV, parenting, anxiety, phobia

Suddenly stuff I’d never worried about, or had long since stopped worrying about, was causing me anxiety. And not just because I recently re-watched “Twin Peaks” (Bob is the scariest fictional character of all time).

Here is a (far-from-complete) list of stuff that – now that I have a child’s welfare and future to consider – has been harshing my buzz lately:

  • Bees
  • Dogs
  • Aging
  • Eggs
  • Peanut butter
  • Nuts
  • North Korea
  • The Shakeheads in Jacob’s Ladder
  • Knives
  • Penn State
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Juggalos
  • Snakes
  • Cars
  • Peer Pressure
  • Steubenville
  • Accidental Racism
  • Concrete
  • Football
  • Chat Roulette
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Disease
  • Global Warming
  • Heights
  • “The Heights”
  • Al-Qaeda
  • Skrillex
  • Religion
  • Terrorism
  • Gay People Getting Married
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Republicans
  • Spiders
  • The Bear Proposing (?) in The Shining
  • Mosquitoes
  • Bullies
  • SkyNet
  • Courtney Cox’s Face
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Money
  • Concussions
  • Jillian Michaels
  • Aspartame
  • Jellyfish
  • Video games
  • Go-gurt
  • Rick Santorum
  • Santorum
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Guns
  • Dogs with Bees in Their Mouths so When They Bark They Shoot Bees at You
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5 Responses to “Fear By Proxy”

  1. James Hudyma April 12, 2013 at 12:37 pm #

    You looked a bit like the Karate Kid. The Shining still disturbs me because where I live looks just like that and we get snowed in a couple times a winter.

  2. Matt Ruzz April 12, 2013 at 7:19 pm #

    Wait til you have a daughter…. then the shit will really, really scare you

  3. Jennifer K April 13, 2013 at 3:31 am #

    Only people who don’t own guns fear them. A little know-how, judicious marksmanship, and a healthy respect for life cure that fear real quick! I’m with you on the Aspartame thing, though!

  4. Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli) April 16, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

    I’m totally with you on this. And unfortunately, bees is my #1 too – I fear I might leave my son stranded in a parking lot if a bee comes near me. It’s ridiculous. Your last line cracked me up! Just discovered your blog and I’m loving the dad’s point of view. I love that you’re jokey because I’m more the sentimental-type writer. In other words, I’m better at making people cry than laugh, so you’re my comic relief.

  5. George June 3, 2013 at 4:42 pm #

    Don’t be a puss about guns. Get yourself and your wife trained. It’s your right and more importantly, your responsibility to defend yourself and your family. Start with a small Glock and a concealed permit class.

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