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Me Toddler. You Jane.

31 May Simpsons, toddler leash, toddlers, leash, parenting, kids, fatherhood, discipline, behavior, family, home, TV

Children don’t understand decorum.

They don’t know that society has rules. That society demands you behave in a certain way in certain places. It’s called being civilized.

Children are not civilized. My two-year-old might as well be a rabid animal most of the time.

Getting him to behave the way one is supposed to behave is impossible.

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The Agony of the Teeth

20 May brush teeth, toddlers, parenting, hygiene, living, family, moms, dads, kids, dentist, rules, learning, motherhood, fatherhood

Everyone hates going to the dentist.

These days, my two-year-old’s bedtime routine is making me hate BEING the dentist.

I didn’t realize that teaching my kid how to be a normal person would be such hard work.

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Zombie Post: Little Did I Know

17 May zombie, walking dead, resurrection, monsters, horror, kids, parenting, funny, dads

I wrote the post I’ve resurrected below one year ago.

It’s a charming little trifle about my son’s increasingly bad behavior. Little did I know that what I thought, last May, was the onset of the terrible twos – though I even admit in the post that I might be a tad premature in that assessment – was nothing but a tiny preview of the hell to come, and of the abuse Mom and Buried and I were yet to face.

Now, a year later and a good three months into the real terrible deal, this post would probably make me laugh if I weren’t usually already crying.

I thought things were bad when I wrote this week’s Zombie Post, and today things are infinitely worse. And there’s no end in sight. Parenting FTW!

Original Post – Parent Abuse: Parenting’s Dirty Little Secret

It’s Not Me, It’s You

15 May blame, personal responsibility, terrible twos, parenting, toddlers, kids children, discipline, fatherhood, motherhood, fault, punishment, society, living, life, dads, moms, children

Everybody has that one friend for whom they’re constantly making excuses.

“He’s not normally like this” or “He’s cool once you get to know him” or “He’s got a weird sense of humor.”

After a while, though, it starts to become apparent that despite your friendship, that’s an awful lot of caveats. Maybe it’s time for the guy to start taking some of the blame for his own behavior.

Lately, that’s how I feel about my son.

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You Threatenin’ Me?

14 May cape fear, de niro, movies, parenting, toddlers, future, dads, moms, warnings, learning, family, living, society, parents, parenthood, children

Despite the fact that I could quote Cape Fear ALL DAY LONG and just pretend I’m having a conversation with my toddler —

“I can out-learn you. I can out-read you. I can out-think you. I can out-philosophize you. And I’m gonna outlast you! ”

— that’s not what the title of this post refers to.

This post is about Other Parents and the way they use their experiences to scare you.

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A Letter to My Son Regarding Mother’s Day

10 May Happy Mother's Day, holidays, Mother's Day, moms, motherhood, dads, fatherhood, parenting, toddlers, terrible twos, discipline, brunch, Sunday, funny, family, humor, life, living

Dear Detective Munch,

It’s time to start pulling your weight.

Don’t worry; I’m not going to make you get a job. You’re only two and a half! The whole talking thing is still new to you (though you have screaming down pat, unfortunately), never mind following orders. Besides, there are laws that prevent it. But at two years old there are some things you can – nay, must – do, and celebrating Mother’s Day is one of them.

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Like Father Like Huh?

8 May parenting, genes, like father like son, fatherhood, toddlers, pop culture, movies, dudley moore, kirk cameron, body swap, 90210, scream, jason priestley, neve campbell, alien, james cameron, living, family, society, discipline, exercise

Kids are strange.

Even my own son, whom everyone thinks is my spitting image and who you’d assume shares some of my personality traits and interests, is alien to me in many ways.

Every day he does things that make no sense to me. Which should be good preparation for his teen years, when he’ll be into stuff I have no understanding of and he’ll hate stuff I love just because I love it. But his thought process is not yet that sophisticated and, therefore, might even be more honest.

Some of the stuff he hates he hates because he’s young and doesn’t know any better. Some of it is because he’s two and two-year-olds like to be jerks. And some of the stuff he likes he likes because he’s young and doesn’t know any better, some of it is because he has a little bit of Mom and Buried in him too, and some of it is because he’s as unique as a snowflake.

A snowflake I thought I knew.

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