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Me Toddler. You Jane.

31 May Simpsons, toddler leash, toddlers, leash, parenting, kids, fatherhood, discipline, behavior, family, home, TV

Children don’t understand decorum.

They don’t know that society has rules. That society demands you behave in a certain way in certain places. It’s called being civilized.

Children are not civilized. My two-year-old might as well be a rabid animal most of the time.

Getting him to behave the way one is supposed to behave is impossible.

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The Real Reason Parents are Always So Tired

28 May parenting, tired, beach, vacation, exhaustion, memorial day, sand, toddlers, dads, moms, stress, kids, children, family, life, energy, zazzle, vacation

You often hear the phrase “I need a vacation from my vacation.”

I try not to use cliches, but after just a few days at the beach, I need a vacation from my vacation.

Unfortunately, I have a kid. So I’ll never get one.

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Like Father Like Huh?

8 May parenting, genes, like father like son, fatherhood, toddlers, pop culture, movies, dudley moore, kirk cameron, body swap, 90210, scream, jason priestley, neve campbell, alien, james cameron, living, family, society, discipline, exercise

Kids are strange.

Even my own son, whom everyone thinks is my spitting image and who you’d assume shares some of my personality traits and interests, is alien to me in many ways.

Every day he does things that make no sense to me. Which should be good preparation for his teen years, when he’ll be into stuff I have no understanding of and he’ll hate stuff I love just because I love it. But his thought process is not yet that sophisticated and, therefore, might even be more honest.

Some of the stuff he hates he hates because he’s young and doesn’t know any better. Some of it is because he’s two and two-year-olds like to be jerks. And some of the stuff he likes he likes because he’s young and doesn’t know any better, some of it is because he has a little bit of Mom and Buried in him too, and some of it is because he’s as unique as a snowflake.

A snowflake I thought I knew.

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The Choice is Forced

6 May indiana jones, the last crusade, the holy grail, choose wisely, toddlers, terrible twos, discipline, parenting, dads, moms, motherhood, fatherhood, movies, pop culture

In an effort to really sell the “terrible” in “terrible twos”, my son has become a very selfish, defiant and lazy guy. Lately, trying to get my son to do anything usually results in him screaming for five minutes.

We’re dealing with this stage as best we can, all the while reminding ourselves that it is just a stage (and if it’s not, there’s always military school) and all the while self-medicating ourselves into being excited that he’s learning how to express himself and grow more independent and have opinions, if you can call “no!” and “mine!” opinions.

He knows what he wants and he knows what he doesn’t want, and never the twain shall meet.

Since time-outs are so ineffective and cages and tranquilizers are frowned upon, we’ve had to resort to other methods to attempt to control the beast.

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Words With Toddlers

9 Apr

In certain situations, say, a dinner party, or a funeral, conventional wisdom holds that some subject matter is off-limits. Some topics are just a tad more provocative than others and have a tendency to cause unnecessary tension when broached.

It’s better for everyone if typically contentious or potentially divisive topics are avoided, such as: politics; religion; a fondness for the Yankees; an appreciation for the Red Hot Chili Peppers; money.

There are no guarantees those topics will raise any hackles with your specific company, but they are more likely to than others. So it’s usually best to stay away.

The same holds true when you’re in the company of toddlers.

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Pop Vulture

5 Apr

A lot of things have changed since I became a father. I drink less, I curse less, I sleep less…

Of course, many of those things likely would have been changing anyway, by virtue of age and maturity age. So my son doesn’t get all the blame, not in those instances.

He does, however, get all the blame for the alarming shift in my pop culture habits.

Altering the media you consume because you are a parent might seem like a minor thing to some people, especially pretentious snobs who don’t own computers and don’t watch TV, and obnoxious jerks who pretend they don’t own a computer or watch TV. But for me, it’s a big deal.

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Delaying Game

28 Mar simpsons, procrastination, toddlers, parenting, dad and buried, family, discipline, home, sleep, sleep training, learning, college

There’s an art to putting things off.

Usually, when you are trying to avoid doing something you don’t want to do, you find other ways to fill your time. Hopefully other, better ways.

For example, my wife often says “I have a headache.” Not only can I neither confirm nor deny the presence of an ache in her head, making it the perfect excuse, she gets to go to sleep. And when you have a toddler, nothing is better than sleep.

When you are a toddler and you are trying to put off doing something you don’t want to do, you are in a pickle. Because not only do you have just about zero independence, thus limiting your ability to find alternative uses for your time, you’re also stupid.

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