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Big Sad Voodoo Daddy

1 Jun astrology, horoscopes, bullshit, toddlers, parenting, superstition, dads, moms, fatherhood, children, family, lifestyle

I don’t consider myself the superstitious type. I occasionally knock some wood and usually try to say “rabbit rabbit” at the start of every month, but that’s about it.

Of course, that was before I became a dad.

These days I might as well be Shirley Maclaine for all the bullshit I find myself believing. There’s just NO WAY a filthy anarchist monkey like Curious George gets invited to that many parties, but I just keep playing along.

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Iden-daddy Crisis

22 May identity crisis, identity, parenting, fatherhood, personality, kids, toddlers, dads, moms, motherhood

On Twitter, it is possible to create lists into which you can group and categorize the people you follow. As I’ve grown my presence there, I’ve seen myself added to more and more lists (you get notified when it happens).

Yesterday, I was added to one that was simply called “parents.”

And it made me a little sad.

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Zombie Post: Little Did I Know

17 May zombie, walking dead, resurrection, monsters, horror, kids, parenting, funny, dads

I wrote the post I’ve resurrected below one year ago.

It’s a charming little trifle about my son’s increasingly bad behavior. Little did I know that what I thought, last May, was the onset of the terrible twos – though I even admit in the post that I might be a tad premature in that assessment – was nothing but a tiny preview of the hell to come, and of the abuse Mom and Buried and I were yet to face.

Now, a year later and a good three months into the real terrible deal, this post would probably make me laugh if I weren’t usually already crying.

I thought things were bad when I wrote this week’s Zombie Post, and today things are infinitely worse. And there’s no end in sight. Parenting FTW!

Original Post – Parent Abuse: Parenting’s Dirty Little Secret

You Threatenin’ Me?

14 May cape fear, de niro, movies, parenting, toddlers, future, dads, moms, warnings, learning, family, living, society, parents, parenthood, children

Despite the fact that I could quote Cape Fear ALL DAY LONG and just pretend I’m having a conversation with my toddler —

“I can out-learn you. I can out-read you. I can out-think you. I can out-philosophize you. And I’m gonna outlast you! ”

— that’s not what the title of this post refers to.

This post is about Other Parents and the way they use their experiences to scare you.

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Scrimping and Caving

29 Apr

A few weeks back, after abandoning potty training due to the onset of trauma, Mom and Buried and I took a quick run to Target.

While there, we decided to buy some off-brand diapers to get us through the next few weeks, enough time for Detective Munch to emerge from his PTSD (Potty Traumatic Stress Disorder) and get back on the potty train.

The cheapo diapers turned out to not be the best idea, as they were cheapo for a reason: they leaked worse than Julian Assange.

Which got me thinking. Maybe I shouldn’t shortchange my son.

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The Dishonest Toddler

26 Apr Henry Rollins, Liar, Black Flag, toddlers, parenting, fatherhood, life, morality, development, learning, potty training, Elf, moms, dads, kids, teenagers, honesty, the honest toddler

The other day, I was awakened by my son yelling from his crib. This is not unusual. I would say this happens every day. Every. Single. Day. But this day was a little bit different. Because instead of merely calling for mommy or daddy, he was screaming, “I got poop in my butt!”

That doesn’t happen every day, neither the yelling of it nor the reality of it. People don’t normally shit in their sleep, not even little kids. So it was a bit strange that he had.

Except he hadn’t: he was lying.

And so it begins.

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Meet the New Boss

21 Apr Who's the Boss, Tony Danza, TV, pop culture, sitcoms, 80s, family, parenting, alyssa milano, toddlers, terrible twos, dads, fatherhood

As you may or may not know, I tweet a lot. Most of my tweets are at my son’s expense, some are at my expense, and a handful are at my wife’s expense, much to her chagrin. Some are true, some are pure fiction, and some – perhaps most – are true-ish.

Like this one, which is among my most retweeted:

“The fact that I just angrily yelled ‘You’re not the boss of me!’ at my two-year-old is a pretty clear indication that he definitely is.”

I don’t believe I’ve ever yelled that at my son; at least not out loud. But it’s 100% true, just the same.

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